Shutting Down and Getting Out

I wasn’t doing well. In fact, I felt so broken I couldn’t even talk about it… or write about it. There were things that were happening in my mind, my soul, and my body that weren’t right or normal. I was trying as hard as I could to “take care of myself,” but I knew I needed help. There were things that I couldn’t control no matter how hard I worked or prayed. In fact, here I am… finally writing this all down, a year and a half later, crying my eyes out because I can’t accurately portray how truly broken I felt. But, it’s part of the story and needs to be told.

EXULANSIS:
(noun). ex-oo-lan-sis.
The tendency to give up trying
to talk about an experience
because people are unable
to relate to it.

-Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

In all reality I needed a therapist. Getting a therapist was not an option. I knew what they’d tell me. They’d tell me to get a job or that trusting in my husband like I had been was misplaced trust. They’d tell me that faith only goes so far and that I needed to do more. I didn’t need anyone else deciding when it was time to call it quits on everything I believed in. What’s more… I didn’t have the money to hire one anyway. So… no therapist. Now, before I hear an earful from all you therapists out there, I add an addendum. I have no idea what would have happened in therapy. I only knew what I would say to someone in my circumstance. Things like “create clear and appropriate boundaries” or “you need to think of your health first.” But, here’s the deal, I am a descendant of pioneers. I know what I believe and I am willing to sacrifice for something that I feel is right. I doubted that many people would understand that stance especially a health professional that is paid to help me fix my issues. While I waited for everything to work out, stress was taking a huge toll on me. I was gaining weight, unable to relax, losing control of my body, and unable to control my emotions.

General Conference for my church was coming up soon, and I hoped it would bring me comfort. I wanted God to tell me that I was more powerful and resilient than I felt. I guess it helped because shortly after Conference weekend I found another job that sounded perfect both for Ben as an actor and for me as a full-time mother. I approached Ben with my plan, and he agreed to try it. We both started heading in that direction. We put all our spare moments into building a new business that could help us have stability, flexibility, and help lead us into a creative direction that we were excited about. This job would give us the freedom to work from anywhere. Meaning, we could live somewhere more affordable, like Utah, and Ben could travel back and forth to California when he needed to. In fact, he could plan to be in California for half the month if he really wanted to. At this point having Ben gone half the month seemed like a small sacrifice to gain independence. We started to dream again of a place of our own and of being financially stable.

HIRAETH:
(noun). heer-yth.
A combination of homesick,
longing and nostalgia.
Or a distinct feeling of longing
for something that is hopelessly lost.

-Welsh Cultural Word

The past summer, while in Utah, we had discussed with my brother (we’ll call him J) how much we were hoping to be out on our own. He had been sending us apartment listings since. Ben and I would look at the recommendations, realize that we couldn’t prove income yet, and continue to work hard towards that goal. J was especially persistent about one particular apartment, saying it was an amazing deal. Since we weren’t in a place to move on it, we didn’t.

Two weeks later J followed up asking if we had called on that apartment yet. Since he asked directly we were honest with him about where we actually were financially. “We have no consistent income. Until that happens we can’t move. Thanks for thinking of us though.”

My sweet older brother could have said, “Sucks for you. Let me know when you’re more financially ready for an apartment search.” Instead J reacted with curiosity.

We explained our plan. We were in the process of building a business, but that it would take time to become an income stream. We then described the type of job Ben would need. Flexible. Remote. Something that builds toward the ultimate goal of being an actor and provides enough to meet our family’s financial needs. If Ben landed a role he would still need a job when he finished filming. It was a tall order. That’s why we felt the need to start our own business. Once J thoroughly understood what we needed he said, “Let me check on something. I’ll call you back.”

Now, my brother runs his own law firm. When he called us back he asked Ben even more specific questions. In fact… it was staring to sound like a job interview. After a short conversation, J offered Ben a job with his law firm. My brother needed someone who could handle video, audio, graphic design, writing, and web-based projects. Ben had been taking editing classes and picking up audio tools. He had worked a few video and audio recording jobs and was starting to feel more confident with his skills. He had also been hired as a ghost writer on a book. Through our time in California Ben developed all the skills he would need to get this job at J’s law firm. It was exactly what we needed.

With the job offer, we felt confident calling on the apartment. Ben sent a picture of our family to the landlord that same day asking if the apartment was still available. I thought for sure we’d be rejected. The previous summer we had tried to get a job as apartment managers through someone at our church. This woman knew of our circumstances and knew how much it could bless us, and what’s more, she had the power to help. She told us that we couldn’t even interview because our situation was unreliable and had “too many kids.” When we asked for her to reconsider and allow for an interview she refused to even return our calls or emails. Her tone and total dismissal of us was humiliating. I can’t even put into words how angry I was with that privileged woman. It’s fine that she didn’t want us for the job, but the way it was handled lacked empathy or kindness. The Utah landlord was so different from our last experience. I was FLOORED when I heard how he reacted to Ben’s text. He told us later, “When I saw your picture, I immediately wanted to rent to you. I have a large family as well.”

He needed someone in the apartment right away. Turns out the apartment had been sitting empty for a few weeks. Generally the landlord relied on character references and referrals from friends or family rather than having to sift through dozens of applications. The rent was lower than anything in the area by far. Believe me, I’ve kept an eye on prices for the last year and a half and I have yet to see an apartment like that one for the same cost.

CODDIWOMPLE:
(verb). kod-ee-wom-pl.
To travel purposefully
in a wayward direction.

-Urban Dictionary

At that price, having been available for a couple of weeks already, there is no reason it should have still been vacant when we called. It was October 30th. He wanted someone in by the first of November. We paid for the apartment and two weeks later moved in.

Since becoming minimalists we had given away mountains of stuff that we decided we didn’t need. Now when it came time to move, we had plenty of time to get our few things picked up and moved out. We even had time to hang out with a few friends before leaving. The move seemed effortless. I can’t even tell you how grateful I have been for minimalism.

We are now living in this miracle apartment. We had many earthly angels that made it possible for God to fulfil his promise. You see… it was during the summer of 2021 that God told us we’d be looking for our own place. It was that summer when we told J that we were searching. J told his friend about our situation and asked if he knew of apartments available. When the friend heard of this apartment he was already informed that we were looking. He told his wife. She heard from our current neighbors while they were waiting at the bus stop with their kiddos. Our neighbors were hoping that someone with children would move in. Wish granted. Our neighbors are amazing by the way. All of them.

So… God did fulfil his promise. He used good people to make it happen. God knew I had given my heart and hopes to Him even when I could hardly function. Even when I could hardly pray. He didn’t withdraw his promise because I was breaking. He didn’t punish me because I was sad or angry or weak. He didn’t forget me even as I shut down. He gave Ben a job. He gave us a home. He gave us an amazing landlord and crazy fun neighbors. God keeps His promises. I can move forward with renewed hope and faith.