When Faith Feels Like Insanity
Guys… I’m running out of people who believe in us. At least it seems that way. People who once believed that we could do this… are starting to turn on us. People who never believed we could do this… are verbal about it now. People who thought we were crazy before… now are sure of it.
I’m sure it’s mostly our own faults. I’m sure the gossip they spread is true to them. Sadly enough… I don’t doubt that they gossip. I can’t talk to people about my life and hopes and dreams anymore. I have found too often that doing so results in everyone else’s insecurities being chucked at me as fact. I can’t expect support from anyone, especially some of those who should be the most supportive.
I, and my family, have become societal parasites in our attempts to follow our convictions. We have relied heavily on family and friends. We have tried to not ask for favors. We have always tried to make up for the goodness of others with goodness of our own… but it doesn’t make up for what we’re given.
We are struggling. I should say… I am struggling. I feel homeless. I feel judged harsher than is reasonable. I have been told that I live in a fantasy world. My faith has become the last tie I have to thinking myself insane and trapped. Ben and I have had to rely heavily and solely on each other, and in God. I don’t feel strong enough to handle this alone.
I feel like a burden. I feel like a lost cause. I’ve been contemplating what it would be like to live in a camper in the middle of the wilderness. Or a tent. Or a box. Those all sound like better options than where I am now. I don’t know how much farther we have until we receive the promises that we’ve been hoping for… but I hope it’s soon. Pulling the plug on something we feel guided to and have faith and hope in… doesn’t seem the right way to go either.
I don’t write this for pity. Nor do I write it to see who’s out there who still believes in us. I write this, as a testimony to those who read it… that the thread that kept us going, was faith. We keep on keeping on despite our support networks collapsing. We keep on believing because we believe that God loves us and wouldn’t guide us somewhere where we’d fail miserably at His hands. We keep going because we have been handed a personal compass to keep us going in the right direction. And I don’t have the courage to go against where God has directed.
Some may say that I’m weak and delusional. Some may shake their heads at my obvious lack of sense. Some may even shun us. When all is said and done, and something miraculous and good comes from following where the Spirit leads, what will they say?
I wonder if they will be the people who will deny that God guided us at all. I wonder if they will reassure us that they “always knew we could do it.” I wonder if they’ll chalk this all up to us working hard and never giving up rather than giving credit where credit is due. God did this. He is working miracles in our lives. It might seem at this time like we are a lost cause. It sure feels like it some times. It might seem like this trial will never end. But one day, I hope to look back on this post and see that God was there all along.
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12 Comments
Paul Phillips
I have found that sometimes just as I was ready to give up, was when the Lord’s blessings happened. We watched the LDS movie about the Restoration tonight. I was taken back at how often the Prophet had to endure the refiners fire… for often much longer than he anticipated until his blessings came. Keep the Faith and the Lord will lead you by the hand. Love, Uncle Paul
Cindy Phillips
Thank you. I’m trying as hard as I can. I guess that’s all I can do right? 🙂 Thanks for the sweet insight.
Ryan Pond
Cindy,
I was talking with my wife the other day about this same idea. Sometimes, it’s hard to follow our convictions. The world and its ideas and logic often defy the promptings we can get. Sometimes it’s so easy to listen to what the world has to say. Those are hard days. But I know that miracles happen, that God know us and our needs, and that he consecrates our righteous desires, intents, and actions to bless us.
Hold on to that which you have learned from the Spirit. It can be hard but it serves as a buoy to hold you up on times of struggle. Keep your eye single.
As I was reading your post I was reminded of a recent quote, “We were expecting this to be faster. But sometimes to have a long process is to have an opportunity to learn and to experience the miracles of the Lord.”
-Bishop Gérald Caussé (regarding the 10 years from announcement to dedication of the Rome Temple)
You will be blessed and in the coming days you will be able to say as Joseph (in Egypt) said of his many trials, “God meant it unto good.” (Gen 50:20)
Cindy Phillips
Aw thanks! I’m so grateful for fellow dreamers, taking the unbeaten path. Thanks for your example to us.
Nelson Phillips
Keep up the good fight.
No one has ever gotten what they wanted by giving in and giving up.
You two are trying to do something extraordinary, and I respect that immensely. We’re pulling for you guys here in Perry.
Cindy Phillips
Thanks so much for your support. 🙂
Genevieve Pelissie
I appreciate the thoughts you have shared. I believe you’re doing the hard thing. The hardest is when you feel judgement rather than support and trust from those around you. Sending you hugs and high fives and a word that He sees you and knows you’re following His path for you. That’s really all that matters in the end. Keep on your journey in His confidence.
Cindy Phillips
Thanks! It’s so nice knowing that there are people rooting for us.
Onalee Wilson
Cindy! I just read your recent blog of things going in a very exciting direction followed by this one!! It sure is a testament to me that keeping the course when everything around u says to abort ship is so important cuz in those moments amidst a long battle, the victory can be so close!! So happy for u guys! And for the record, I’m sure God is prepping Ben for a very important work in not only what is around the corner but as well as for the future. All things will become more clear in time and I can’t wait to see what the Lord has in store knowing we’ll all probably get to see it!:)…I’m just proud I got to know u guys!! Good look in this exciting journey of yours!
By the way, I love how u write! I need to follow your blog more as this is only the 2nd time I’ve read it! As much as Ben has been called in this direction, I certainly believe through your writing that you’ve been called as well. I love that you’re being true to that faith-filled beating drum inside you!:)
Cindy Phillips
Thank you so much for reading my blog. It means so much to me. Feel free to subscribe so you can get each blog post directly to your email the second they’re released.
The vote of confidence is appreciated. Thanks for believing in us.
Jess
It may be because we have recently studied this, but your experiences, trials in perseverance, etc. sound familiar to the Book of Nephi- which excited me when I had that thought because I know everything has worked out for Him.
There are very few things in this life that are of REAL worth. The relationships that you are building- of worth. Your family priorities- of worth. Your belief in God, and his love for you- invaluable. All the rest- just things, stuff, distractions that come and go. Those “things” can always be built up, but also easily taken away. Merely fluff.
Knowing this, dream! Go for it! Make it happen! Why not?!
Way to be courageous! Brave! Fearless! As members of the Church of Jesus Christ we are reminded continuously that things will work out! They will! Keep going!
Cindy Phillips
I love this so much. Thank you!