Flattery

One of my favorite things about doing background work these last couple months is the social aspect.  While we do work plenty, there is also usually a fair amount of time where I get to just sit around and chat with the other background actors.

I’ve met some lovely people. And they always make me feel good about myself; I’m constantly being flattered. My favorite part about it, however, is the shock factor. I don’t know why I get such a kick out of it… but I do.

Here I am sitting with a group of people my age. We’re usually discussing acting and the jobs we have recently worked. One way or another, the conversation leads to them hearing that I am a full-time mom when I’m not on set. Someone says, “Oh really? You have a kid?” 

“I have four, actually.”

All other conversations stop, and everyone stares at me in stunned silence. Honestly, I think they’re usually trying to figure out if I’m being serious at this point. Then come the questions.

“Wait?! How old are you?”

“You have HOW many kids?!”

“Wait- let me get this straight… you- physically- gave birth… to four children?”

“You can’t possibly be old enough to have four kids!”

This is often followed by very personal, and occasionally inappropriate, follow-up questions. I know I don’t have to answer them… but I usually do anyway.

No, I wasn’t pregnant as a teenager. Yes, I was married before getting pregnant. No- although I do have a baby bump, I am not, in fact, pregnant at this time. Yes, we intended to have this many children. Yes, we do want more children. No, we’re not “trying for a boy,” but of course, we would love to have a boy.

Many of these are questions I was never asked before, at least not when I lived in Cache Valley, Utah. “We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto.”

One of my favorite reactions was when a 21-year-old told me he thought I was younger than he was. Now, like most women, I love being told that I look young. And I do realize that I am a young mother; I had my first baby when I was twenty two. I didn’t realize, however, that I could pull off looking like a high schooler.

There’s a special category of jobs that I see frequently on Casting Central, listed like this: 18tly. It stands for eighteen-to-look-younger. In other words, it means actors who are legally adults, and can be paid and treated as such, but are playing the role of younger characters (typically high school ages).

There are many reasons for hiring an adult who looks younger. The most important reason is that child labor laws are very specific and, my assumption is, a huge headache to comply with. So, to save money and hassle, most directors just hire adults to play as teens whenever they can.

After hearing several other people make comments that I should apply to do 18tly roles, I decided to give it a try. I was so nervous that when I submitted for these roles that the casting directors would look at my photo and say, “Who does this old mom-bod think she is?!” I apply for them anyway. And one time, I was actually cast!

It was an interesting experience. Let’s just say I came home commiserating with Mr. Bennett that I craved hearing two words of sense spoken together; I definitely felt the age difference between me and the “adults” who actually were just out of high school. But even still… I was told that I could pass as one of them. Boom, baby!

Once, on set, I was asked, “How do your children like that their parents are actors?” You can’t imagine how my ears perked up at that question. Who, me? “Well… they love it.” And please… call me an actor again. 🙂 

It’s not just that I’m told that I look young. On set, I am looked at as a completely new person. I am not a mom, or a wife, or an adult who is living in her parent’s house. I am whoever I tell them I am. I am a blank slate. 

Maybe that’s why, when people tell me what they perceive me to be, I want to listen more. They are telling me their first impressions. And let me tell you… their first impressions are often very flattering.

I’ve been told by many that I shouldn’t consign myself to be just “an actor’s wife.” That I should be more than that. That I could be modeling, or doing commercials. I’ve been told that I have an ethnically ambiguous look which is very “in” right now in the business. I have been encouraged to make my own demo reel, get my own headshots, and pursue a career in acting. 

So why don’t I? I don’t have to be just an actor’s wife, right? I could be… an actor. 

There’s a complicated answer, and a simple one. I could say that it comes down to the finances and logistics. Headshots, a reel, an agent, and so on take a lot of time and are often quite expensive. Headshots for Ben cost over $300. His demo reel has taken a lot of time and resources to get. He works more than full-time applying for auditions, researching, exercising, networking, writing scripts, and all-around hustling. He watches his diet, practices accents, hones his vocal skills, and religiously goes to his acting class.

Becoming an actor is not something that he just fell into. It is something that takes so much time and effort to do well. In order to become an actress, even part-time, I would need to use already-scarce family resources of both time and money to create my own “business.” 

Okay… so what’s so hard about that?

… Here’s another one of those debates I have with myself. I don’t know. Others seem to do both just fine. And maybe, if we had different priorities or more money available, maybe I could do that, too. I don’t know yet. 

But none of that really matters, because here’s the simple answer. I chose my children and my family, and I choose to support my husband. I don’t want my children to be left with anyone other than myself or my husband. We want to raise the children we brought into this world. Is that so selfish? … Or is it selfless? You decide. I’ve been told both.

What I do know is that there is only so much time. And what time I have with my children, I want to either devote it to them myself, or I want Ben with them. So… every time I am on set… Ben isn’t. And, while I do love it, I feel like when I am there, he’s missing out on opportunities that could be essential for his career, and our future.

Maybe we’re just traditionalists… but in our thrown-up-in-the-air lifestyle, I want my children to have something that is stable. And I want that something stable to be me.

Right now, our home is temporary. The school they go to? They might have to leave it next year, or it might not be for four or five. Their friends are… well… we’re all still working on making friends. So… can’t we, Ben and I, be their home?

Last month, while I was on set, I was talking with a woman who told me that she was doing background work as a stepping stone job while she decided what she wanted to do. She had a degree, a good job she had just left because it didn’t feel right, and she was feeling like she just didn’t know what she wanted to do. But when she heard that I’m a full-time mom, she told me, “Oh… that’s what I always dreamed of being! I guess that’s why I haven’t found a job I really love.” Her reaction was so heartfelt. I went home feeling so grateful for my children and my role as their mother.

I feel, at this time… that I am doing more good than I realize. I am right where I should be. I will continue to support in any way Ben and the children need me to. Whether that’s sharing a day-job with Ben, being a set manager for one of his films we’re producing, or reading mountains of books to the toddler, picking the kids up from school, and keeping them all on task, clean, fed and cared for. 

So… to all the people cheering me on as an actress, and who are so flattering to me, I thank them for thinking I’m younger than I am. I thank them for helping me feel beautiful. I thank them for believing that I could be great. But, just a reminder… I already have the greatest job in the world. I am a mother.