Walking a Tightrope With You

I was sitting on the floor, wrestling my 18-month old as my older children were chasing each other around the room. I think they must get faster the sleepier they are (a scientific study should be done on this). Ben was shooting a commercial in L.A., and it was going late, as usual, so I was by myself getting the girls to bed. I was the only one singing our let’s-get-ready-for-prayer-by-singing-about-Jesus song. The girls were too busy tormenting each other, and they were oblivious to the fact that I was too tired to chase them. I was overworked, sweaty, sore, and just plain exhausted, with plenty of chores still to do before the end of my day.

Just then Ben FaceTimed us to say goodnight to the girls, and to show us what he had been up to that day. And, oh man, did he look good. He was wearing his tailored suit, and his hair looked perfect. He had filmed a scene earlier in boxer shorts. He was even wearing makeup (not that I could really tell… I just knew).

Sadly enough… that was the clincher for me. I almost always carry my makeup with me… I just don’t actually get it on my face the majority of the time. And here he was looking like he just jumped out of a Men’s Warehouse catalogue, while on the other hand, there was me, looking like… well… like I had had a full day catering to the needs of four little people. Not only did he look amazing, but he was filming in a penthouse overlooking the L.A. skyline. It was gorgeous. And I didn’t feel up to par.

Interesting thing about having an actor hubby… a bunch of people are suddenly much more concerned about me… especially about my well-being in my relationship with Ben. Maybe they think I’m being coerced into this life. I mean, do I look like a prisoner to you? Don’t answer that. Really though, I am grateful that people are so very concerned about me. It’s sweet.

You know… I get it. He gets the fun glamorous job and I am at home cleaning the toilet and getting stains out of clothes. I look in the mirror after a full day and I realize that what I see isn’t as glamorous as what Ben sees most days. 

Sadly enough… in the film industry, the statistics are not in our favor. The entertainment business is not generally very family-friendly. There are stories in the news almost on a daily basis about couples in Hollywood that are having all kinds of problems, getting divorced, etc.

And we see it how it can happen, even at this early stage of Ben’s career. People often flirt with my husband. There was a woman on set last month who was telling everyone she was going to follow him home so that she could become his new wife. Yikes, right? She was a crazy.

Another time there was a woman that asked Ben if he had a “set girlfriend” yet. Excuse me? Apparently, some men and women are close enough friends that they hang out together any time they’re on set, and try to be each other’s on-set partner so that they don’t get paired up with someone they don’t know. Makes sense, and yet… why is a single lady asking to be Ben’s “set girlfriend?” Come on folks! Yeah… we’re set. Set for eternity, thank you very much.

I see why people are concerned about me. Honestly, I’d be an idiot if I were oblivious to those concerns. I see it. It is a constant battle I struggle with myself.

Sadly, I feel like this is a cause of anxiety for many women. We are constantly told, or are telling ourselves, that we’re not enough. We hear stories of men leaving their wives because she “let herself go” and he felt he “deserved better”. We hear stories of wives that wake up before their husbands so they can “put on their face” before he sees her in the morning. We are given tips on saving our marriages like making sure that the house is clean, that we’re dolled up, and that there is a piping hot meal on the table ready for him to eat when he comes home from work. I’ve read too many ridiculous books on how to save your marriage by catering to your husband’s every whim. I don’t believe that the trick is in the packaging. I don’t believe that marriages are saved by catering to men like their mother did. I don’t believe in justifying betrayal by pointing fingers. Commitment is internal and completely between that person and God. 

I love the movie The Greatest Showman. It is, at least to me, one of the best movies (and musicals) of all time. The movie is about P.T. Barnum, and how he started his famous circus. One of my favorite characters is Charity Barnum. She’s a stay-at-home mom and the wife of a dreamer. She’s a mom to girls. Her little one even wants to be a dancer like my children. Now that I think about it… she’s the coolest character. *wink* There’s a song that she sings, Walking a Tightrope (lyrics / audio), that rings true to me.

Charity Barnum has just said goodbye to her husband as he drives away to go on tour with a famous, and gorgeous, opera singer. As he leaves, she reminisces about what she sacrificed, and continues to sacrifice, in her life with this showman of hers. She knows that living the life they lead is not a “safe” life. She has put her life on the line for him and trusts that they will “risk it all” together.

Unfortunately, Mr. Barnum soon finds himself in a predicament; the beautiful singer has misunderstood his friendship and interest in her career as a different kind of interest in her, and she makes advances on him. When he refuses her, she leaves him, in financial ruin and with a scandal that threatens to undo everything that truly matters to him: his marriage and family. Happily, he is able to explain things to Charity and apologize for mistakes he made. They work through things together and continue stronger than before. Sadly enough… that isn’t always how these things turn out. 

I know what makes people nervous. They don’t see me look in the mirror at night after hearing about Ben’s glamorous day. They don’t realize that I know that women (and men) find my husband attractive. Maybe I seem naive about the industry. Maybe they think that I’m being mislead by an amazing actor.

*deep breath*

…Let me set the record straight… yes… I know. I’m walking a tightrope. I get that. But I also know that families can be together forever.

We believe that when someone is married in a temple of God that they have the opportunity to be together forever, not just until death do they part. That’s part of the reason why missionaries knock on doors. That’s also why we keep building temples and going inside them. We want everyone to have forever with those they love. In the temple, we perform those same ordinances for our ancestors who, for whatever reason, didn’t have the opportunity in their lifetime to be “sealed” to their spouse.

We can have forever! What good news! We should shout it from the rooftops! We have promised each other, and God, that we will be true to our promises that we have made with each other, and God, in the temple. This two-way promise is called a covenant. It means that second to our relationship with God comes our relationship to each other.

It is so tempting to ignore our relationship because we have so much to worry about and to do. We have tried to make our marriage and our friendship a priority. For me that means to stop cleaning and cooking for a moment when Ben gets home to welcome him home. It means going on a date with him when I have a mountain of chores still waiting to be done. It means sometimes burning the candle at both ends when I wait for Ben to get home at midnight to talk with him about his day and then wake up at six to get the girls ready for school, because that’ll be the only time I can talk with him. It means never being so mad at each other that I can’t forgive him. It means honoring him in the way that I speak about him. 

For Ben it means showing everyone pictures of his family on every set he’s on. It means taking me out on dates when he could be applying for more jobs or working on a script. It means always treating me with gentleness and devotion. It means looking past the stained clothes and bags under my eyes to still see a gorgeous woman. It means being patient with my shortcomings. It means dances in the kitchen, secret kisses, late night dates, and snuggling any chance we get.

I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage. I’ve only been married nine years. I’m not even in the double digits! But so far I’ve found that if I allow myself to be completely vulnerable to my spouse and my God, I find that I feel more secure. It sounds backward… doesn’t it?

After a month and a half of dating, I agreed to marry this dreamer of mine. I felt like I knew him. I knew that Ben would always treat me with respect, because I saw how he treated everyone around him. I knew that he believed in God because of how he lived. I knew that I could be happy with him… because he made me laugh til I cried. Funny enough… he’s exactly who I thought he was. And I know forever will be an amazing adventure with him. 

Hand in my hand
And you promised to never let go
We’re walking a tightrope
High in the sky
We can see the whole world down below
We’re walking a tightrope
Never sure, will you catch me if I should fall?
Well, it’s all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope

With You

As he films in a penthouse in naught but his underpants, I’m correcting math homework while simultaneously having two different conversations and juggling a toddler. And still, I feel so lucky that I get to be married to my best friend for time and all eternity. We’ll walk a tightrope, together.