Whither Thou Goest…

Going into this new adventure we’ve embarked on, I never really realized what I would be willing to give up. Honestly, I probably still don’t know. Uprooting our own family, leaving other family and friends behind, sacrificing stability and financial expectations, and so on. I know that God wants us to be where we are. I know He wants me to be an actor’s wife. But each new experience shows me that I am just beginning to learn all of what that really means.

I guess I thought we’d just go to California and live with my parents for five to ten years (hopefully closer to five); after the first two or three, Ben would be a successful enough actor for us to have a livable income, and then we would save for a home. Then the time would finally come… the pinnacle of my monetary dreams thus far… for us to buy a house.

There’s a song in one of my favorite musicals, “Little Shop of Horrors,” where the lead woman, Audrey, talks about her dream home. I think everyone dreams about the picture-perfect life they would like to lead; I know that we have. Ever since we’ve been married, we’ve thought about the what our dream life, and what our dream home, would be like.

We have it all planned out. We’ll paint each room the perfect color, and decorate it just right. I’ll cook and bake all the time: fresh bread every day, brownies for the neighbors (and for Ben, since they are his favorite), homemade ravioli, and all kinds of good things. We’ll send our kids to an outstanding school where they will have great, kind friends. Anyone walking into our home will know who we are and what we believe in, and feel loved.

It sounds fun to me. Like Audrey says in the musical, it’s “a picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.” Ben calls those kinds of things (magazines, mommy blogs, Pinterest, etc.) “housewife porn,” by the way. I often see those images of beautiful, classy homes, decadent meals, and picturesque getaways, and feel like I am missing something grand in my life.

…I guess it sounds like an unhealthy addiction to me, too.

I doubt that that dream is how our life is going to be, though, at least not the whole time. And definitely not now. Time and time again, as a young wife raising several little ones and supporting a husband building his career, I have to remind myself to be grateful for what God has given us, and to not focus on the things I want, but don’t have yet.

Whenever I think too much about what I wish life were like, I feel myself become less grateful for my own beautiful, albeit crazy, life. And it makes it harder to not wish for more as I see more and more of my friends and acquaintances have so much by way of physical evidences of their success.

But… does all of that really matter?

Last month we had the option to have Ben audition for a professional theatre in Utah. If he got the role he was auditioning for, it would require us to move back to Utah for a few months… or figure out how to have a long-distance family for a while.

So we asked the girls a hypothetical question. What would you choose? Leave everything you own behind (all the toys, clothes, beds, everything), pack a little suitcase, and go with Daddy wherever he goes; or, stay home with all of your things, and be away from Daddy, just for a few months.

We thought that we could live out of a studio apartment, or a basement, or a hotel or something. We’d take only what we could pack in a suitcase, and a small box of toys. Maybe buy a mattress or two, or, better yet, just bring sleeping bags. What an adventure! And yet… how different from a typical life.

As each responded, the answer from all of them was, “I want to go with Daddy.” Liz was even asked if she’d give up having a Kindergarten experience. She’d most likely have to do a virtual academy like her sister, Jess (we decided, by the way, after all the bullying, etc., to pull Jess out of her public school). This would mean we’d lose our place at the charter school that Liz made it into, thus determining that our girls would probably be permanently virtual schooled, rather than just for a short time. It would mean giving up the chance of some semblance of a normal life. Liz answered, “I do want to go to Kindergarten… but Daddy is more important than my school.”

We believe in families. We believe that we have been put together for a beautiful and divine purpose. We get to help each other be our best selves so that we can return to our Heavenly Parents in our heavenly home… and be together forever with the people we love the most. This is every family’s purpose, and we are, all of us, connected as part of the family of God.

That’s the ideal, anyways, that we realize this, and treat our families like they’re the most important relationships of our lives, because they should be. Of course, sometimes we don’t have the best family situation. He cares for each of us, though, regardless if we were raised with the ideal.

So yes. Like we decided back when we made the decision to move here together, rather than sending Ben first, we decided- again-, that staying together whenever possible (and feasible) was more important to us than having a “normal” life. Honestly, it might not have been possible… but we were determined to look at our options and do what we could.

So… with the green light from the girls and I, Ben went to try his luck for another dream role. I’m relieved (and disappointed) to say that we don’t have to live out of suitcases, because he didn’t land the role. …but if he had, what an amazing feeling it is to know that we’d all go with him. How liberating to know that there is nothing that matters to us more than each other.

We have decided to keep Liz in the charter school, but we do know that at some point, Ben will get a job that takes him out of the state (or country), and that our whole lives could be uprooted. Until that happens, though, we’re going to proceed to live our lives with what we have… and with what we imagine our dream life could be, knowing full well that we might never have it, or someday might have to leave it.

What is it all anyway? Stuff. Acquaintances. Morning kindergarten. A predictable schedule. Our true friends won’t be forgotten. Our extended families will always be a phone call or video chat away. What else do we need but each other?

Winnie was so right when she said, “I’ll put my Little People toys in my Peppa Pig bag, and go with Daddy!” Me, too. Our children are very young, and still see Ben and I as their heroes, and still see their stuff as just stuff. I hope, though, as they grow up, that they remember when we asked if they’d leave it all. I hope they remember that they chose their family.

I hope we’re always important to our sweet girls, because they mean the world to us. I hope Ben knows that we love, support, and believe in him, enough to follow him anywhere. And I hope we never forget to be grateful for the beauty we have right in front of us, simply because we are together.