The Intro – Here’s to the Ones Who Dream (Part 4 of 4)

So there we were… the director of a non-profit/financial consultant, and the full-time mom. He was still building two businesses, which means the income was still unpredictable. To help supplement our income, Ben would find himself doing odd jobs here and there. This job, though, found him.

A friend who works in the film industry offered him the opportunity to be in a small fan film. Due to connections he made there, he was contacted to be an extra in a tv show, and then again in a film. And he loved every minute of it. He started looking for more background work and was able to be in a commercial. It was fun, more of a hobby than anything. A hobby, that is, until end-of-year budget cuts made it impossible to keep him on at the nonprofit.

It was completely unexpected. Things had been going really well. Now, out of the blue, he was given a month to close it all down; he’d receive a month’s wages and be done. It was a friendly split, but a sad one. Years of work he had spent opening the offices and building the brand were gone. We didn’t know what we were going to do.

With the separation from the nonprofit, we had a fresh start; we could do anything we wanted. Ben could get a job with a couple of great companies in our area. He could open his own office and start building the nonprofit again from scratch, or focus completely on his financial business. He could even go back to school. Or, he could pursue a career in performing.

At first, Ben mentioned moving to California to pursue acting almost as a joke. We were on a date, discussing our options. We laughed about it. It was an absurd idea. Wasn’t it? We discussed the other options, but we kept being drawn back to it. The crazy thought of uprooting our family and moving in with my parents started to sound more and more reasonable and right.

“He needs to perform. He’s meant to do this.”

And there was something else. Remember the musical he was in that I wasn’t? He did an amazing job. And while watching him perform one night, I received an answer to a question I had not asked. I felt so strongly, like God had whispered it right in my ear, that Ben needed to perform. He needed to be on that stage. Now, several months later, and with a new life situation, I suddenly remembered that feeling.

I can’t tell you how many tears I shed thinking about moving away. I love Cache Valley. I loved being close to friends and Ben’s family. I loved living in a place with huge gardens and farms, lots of stay-at-home moms and lots of kids. I loved living somewhere that wasn’t packed full of people and crazy traffic. But… there was no denying the answer we received.

So we started putting the wheels in motion to make it happen. Asking my parents was probably one of the scariest and most humbling parts of the process; I was sure that moving in with my parents at this stage of life would be seen as a sign of failure in their eyes. But I was amazed at how excited and supportive they were; they felt it was right, too. After getting the enthusiastic okay from them, we started planning the rest.

Next, we had to figure out how we were going to afford the move. We could have waited a few months to work and save up… but we had our answer, and we felt we should act on inspiration right away. In order to make that work, we had a couple options: sell our second car, or send Ben a couple months before the rest of us.

There were many reasons to send him first. He needed to work, but we still had so much going on in Logan. Our eldest daughter was in the middle of the school year. All of the girls were in a dance class that they absolutely loved, and they wanted to be at the recital in May. We had family and friends that would help us while Ben helped get my parents’ house ready for us to move in. And Ben could work 80 hour weeks if he needed to. Maybe it would have been great. Honestly, it made a lot of sense.

As we were discussing it one night, though, I freaked out. The thought of being left with the kids and without my husband for months gave me an anxiety attack. We got through it, but it wasn’t fun; any of you who have anxiety or depression, or who care about someone who does, know what I mean. That night helped us make our decision. We knew that we couldn’t do this apart. We needed to stay together.

Honestly, I look back at that now and wonder… if I were just a stronger person, maybe this all would have been easier; maybe we would have avoided some of the trials that we’ve faced. But I think too… that maybe our biggest trial would have been that we were apart. The girls would have missed Ben so terribly. Our youngest daughter would have grown an inch without her daddy around. So we packed up our world, and left.

And there have been so many small and large moments that have helped reassure me that we made the right decision. For example, a couple weeks after we announced our move, my sweet mother discovered that she had breast cancer; she was told that she needed to have surgery, and quickly. How amazing is it that we were already planning on moving in, and that we would be there to help and support her? We arrived February 1st, the day before her surgery. Had we not followed our prompting so quickly, there was no way we could have gotten here in time to help with the recovery. And we’ve seen several other miracles since.

I told you, didn’t I? That no matter how I explain it, it won’t make sense? Well… with all the little miracles, it makes complete sense to us. There are still plenty of reasons why it sounds crazy, we get that. But it makes sense to God, and that’s all that matters. Much like when we decided to get married, or decided to have children. Whether it makes sense to anyone (ourselves included) or not, we know that God knows the whole plan.

And now I finally understand it… why God gave me my passion for performing. I had it so that I could support Ben with my whole heart. I understand his drive, his desire, in a way I couldn’t possibly have done without my own. No longer does that feeling of failure to follow my passion haunt me, because I know why it was there. Maybe someday I’ll perform together with my actor hubby. Or maybe it’ll always be an unfulfilled dream… either way, I no longer worry about it. If anyone can make it as a working actor, I know he can.

I believe in him. More than that, though… I believe that God loves me, and is intimately involved in my life. He’s in the decision to start this blog. He’s in the decision to move in with my parents. He’s in the decision to support my darling actor hubby. Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be? It’s teamwork. God, my hubby, and me. We form a partnership of faith and trust. With faith in God and in each other, we have found peace and joy in our lives. So, “here’s to the ones who dream. Crazy as we may seem.”