The Intro – Take it Away (Part 3 of 4)

“This is awesome!

I want twelve of them!”

Early on in our marriage, we felt inspired that we should start to have children. We wanted children, but hadn’t planned to have them for a couple years. Enter that “faith” idea again. We had a couple miscarriages at first, but a little over a year later, we had a daughter. I remember holding her in the hospital and saying, “This is awesome! I want twelve of them!” With each addition to our family, I’ve learned that motherhood is much more difficult than I first thought. I have four darling girls now and I hope to have more children, but probably not as many as I first envisioned. 😉

I became a full-time mother from the start. I didn’t want to miss a moment. More than that, I didn’t want my daughter to be raised by anyone other than the people who love her the most. As much as I loved it, though, motherhood tends to steal your identity a bit. I was so busy changing diapers and wiping noses and putting shoes on tiny feet that I felt like what I wanted never really mattered.

When I was a few weeks pregnant with my third child, I guess it hit me. I missed being me. I wanted so badly to be in a musical. I would watch productions of musicals and break down crying, because I could have been on that stage. I wanted to perform. With the support of my husband and my awesome in-laws, I auditioned for and landed a role in a community theatre production of Sound of Music.

Okay… I’m giving myself way too much credit. I landed a role in the chorus as a nun. I heard plenty of pregnant nun jokes. I laughed at all of them. I felt out of place without my children, so I mostly sat around and listened to stories others would tell about their lives. I met so many amazing men and women, and I realized that many of them had given up their dreams for their families, too. Being in the musical helped me feel like a person again. But being gone as much as I was, I missed my kids. I was ready to focus on being a mother again.

After seeing me rock my pregnant nun role, my hubby started to express interest in performing again, so we auditioned for a show together. He got a lead role; I didn’t even land a spot in the chorus. I wanted to be happy for him. I really did. And I was! I was just so sad for me. I felt that I had no time whatsoever to prepare for auditions because of all my motherly responsibilities. I had no time to hone my skills in singing or dancing. I was watching my kids from the corner of my eye during the audition even. And with him getting the role he did, if I had gotten a role myself, we would have had to worry about finding a babysitter for all the rehearsals and performances.

I felt robbed. I felt cheated. What’s more, I was fighting with my mind constantly to not blame my children for stealing my life. It sounds horrible. It felt horrible. I hated myself for thinking that my sweet babies were anything but blessings. But, without them… I could be anything I wanted to be. I could be a performer. I could have down time. I could eat a meal uninterrupted. I could shop for clothes for myself and try them on before buying them (if you’ve ever had to do this with children… you know what I mean).

But… I loved their smiles. I loved their wet kisses. I loved being the one they ran to for comfort. I chose to be a mom. I wanted to continue to choose to be a mom, every day. And I wanted them to know that they had my whole heart.

So I did the only thing I knew would help. I prayed. I remember vividly the broken and heartfelt prayer I uttered to a God whom I had grown to trust and love. “Please, take it away.”

“Please, take it away.”

“I can’t. I can’t have both. I know I have been given a talent that I feel I’m supposed to use. But I feel so right about being a full-time mother. I can’t do both right now. I have a passion to perform that hurts me. I don’t understand why I feel so passionate about it when I can’t have it. I don’t understand, but you can have it. I’ll give it to you. I’ll give it up. I choose to be fully present for my children and my husband. I don’t want to feel cheated. I don’t want to feel sad. I want to be content with my beautiful life. Please, Father, take it away.”

It’s not that I couldn’t have done both. I could, and had. But when I do something, I put my whole heart into it. And I felt that doing both the shows and mothering, I wasn’t putting my whole heart into either. If I was going to do shows, I wanted to work hard enough and be good enough to get lead roles. As a mother, I wanted to be the best mom and homemaker I could be.

I knew that being a mother was a divine mandate from God. I didn’t feel that way about performing. I didn’t want to fall short of my own expectations of what an amazing mom should be. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe I over thought it all. All I know is that these children were my responsibility to raise, and I didn’t want to take that responsibility lightly. I knew my limits and my expectations and I knew what God wanted me to be for these children.

We believe in miracles. We believe that God can heal. I believe He healed me.

So, in essence… we both had given it up. We both had chosen a different path. We both had decided that our family was more important than what we wanted. Funny what happened, when we had finally decided to have a sensible life.

The Intro – Here’s to the Ones Who Dream (Part 4 of 4)